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As a parent it can be really hard to manage your child’s independence as they grow up, especially when you see them making decisions that you wouldn’t, or that don’t feel safe. Risk taking isn’t all bad – teenagers need to take some risks to learn about themselves and the world around them, and new experiences can be great for your child. But it can be hard for you as a parent or carer to know what kind of pushing boundaries is okay and what’s too risky.

If your teen has started to take more risks and make bad decisions at times, you’re not on your own. The teen brain is still developing, and the part of the brain responsible for complex thoughts, future planning, and controlling attention actually only reaches full maturity at about 25. This means that the brain is more interested in what it can experience in the here and now than what will happen in the future.

There are some things you can try that will help keep your child safe as you support your child into independence:

Be open about risky behaviours. Talk with your teen about things like drinking, smoking, drugs, sex, gambling and social media. Find out what they think about them, and talk about their consequences.

Agree on rules and consequences with your child. Being involved in setting boundaries or rules will make children more likely to follow them, so talk together about them. You can show them you are open to adapting the rules as they grow up too, for example, when setting a curfew.

Help them build up resilience and cope with stress. Fear is also the emotion which is most known to drive harmful risk-taking behaviour. For some risks, for example, smoking, drinking, taking drugs etc., this can be the fear of missing out. But for things like carrying weapons, this is usually fear of someone specific, or a fear of finding themselves in a specific circumstance. Fear triggers a stress response, which overrides the part of the brain that helps you think clearly, so your teen won’t be thinking clearly when they are afraid. Supporting your child to become more resilient and to find ways to manage stress and fear will help them make better choices.

Encourage them to take up hobbies, like skateboarding, theatre or martial arts. This will help them get the emotional high they’re looking for in a safer or more controlled space, as well as make new friends.

Get to know their friends. If you welcome your child’s friends to your home, it will give you an opportunity to get to know them and their families and keep an eye on them. Friends significantly influence risk-taking behaviours in children over 10. While you might not be able to stop your child from seeing one group or person, if you’re concerned about who they spend time with, you can encourage them to make other friends through hobbies, sports, or your local community too.

Let them push safe boundaries. You can give them independence and let them push boundaries in other safe ways. For example, you might not love their fashion sense, make up and room décor, but letting them do what they want in some of those safe areas will help them express themselves and experiment, and build that sense of independence.

Get support. While most teenagers are likely to test and break rules at times, when risk-taking behaviours are affecting relationships with family or friends or affecting their education, it can be really hard for you as a parent or carer to know what is a ‘safe’ level of exploration and what is becoming dangerous. When in doubt, speak with someone. You can reach out to us at Family Toolbox, or take a look at some local organisations that can help.