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Learn how to help the children in your care cope with loss and bereavement.

How can bereavement or any loss affect a child?  

On average, most children will encounter 15 significant losses before they reach adulthood. The most common losses for children and teenagers include:  

• Loss of a grandparent  
• Loss of a pet  
• Moving  
• Divorce  
• Changing schools  
• Bullying  
• Having a close friend move away  
• Being rejected from their university of choice  

As a parent or carer, you have undoubtedly experienced that sinking feeling that occurs when children ask difficult questions about death and loss, or are experiencing sad and painful feelings. You may even have memories of how you felt as a child when your feelings were not acknowledged or understood.  

Often we are left struggling for the right words, not least because we ourselves don’t know what to do either. We may think we need to teach our children how to “look on the bright side” or we try to distract them with a gift or a treat.  

Children may allow themselves to be distracted for a time, but the grief does not go away. It often manifests in other areas, causing serious problems in school and at home.  

Here are just a few of the behaviours that can be the result of unresolved or unacknowledged grief:  

• Difficulty concentrating  
• Reduced participation or interest in class  
• Angry outbursts, violence  
• Trouble sleeping, nightmares  
• Frequent absence from school  

The way we support children in their grief is vital to their further development and overall wellbeing.  

How do you help a grieving child?  

We know how difficult it can be to find the right words to comfort a child. We don’t want to say the wrong thing, but we also want to connect with the child and offer our support. Finding this balance is challenging if you don’t have the right tools for the job.  

Well-meaning adults often try to comfort children by saying things like:  

Don’t cry, he wouldn’t want you to be sad.  

Look on the bright side.  

We’ll just get you a new dog/cat/stuffed animal.  

Think of all the friends you’ll make at your new school!  

Don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll get better soon.  

There are plenty of other fish in the sea.  

It could always be worse.  

Don’t be scared, it will be fine.  

Now you’ll get to have two birthday parties, one at your Mum’s and one at Dad’s!  

Unfortunately, these well-intentioned statements often make the problem worse. The child may stop crying to please you, but in turn receives the message that it’s not okay to grieve.  

Telling the child about your own emotions, for example, by saying things like “I miss nana too” or “it feels really different without your dad here, doesn’t it?” can be really helpful for a child. It helps them understand that how they feel is normal and isn’t too scary for you to cope with.  

This article has been edited from Grief UK.